My Thoughts on the Train Wreck That is G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Posted: August 19, 2009 in Blogging, Movies

The Saving Grace of This Movie

– The movie was 98% noise
– The movie was 68.7% flashbacks (it actually felt like more)
– Scarlett, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow made a terrible movie tolerable
– Brandon Fraser really stunk up the place for the five minutes he was on screen
– The “dialogue” was quite laughable most of the time and not in a good way
– Destro’s Scottish accent was out of control
– Joseph Gordon-Levitt was completed wasted in his role
– JG-L probably made more money starring in this than all of his previous film work combined
– The “Accelerator Suits” were fucking awful
– The Suits completely ruined what could have been the best action scene in the movie
– A lot of civilians died in Paris because the Joes are apparently complete sociopaths
– Who thought that Snake Eyes’ mask having a mouth looked decent?
– There were a fair amount of exploding heads and eye stabbings
– Heavy Duty was actually pretty cool
– The Baroness started out kinda cool and then turned to shit half way through
– As directors go, Stephen Sommers is worse than Paul W.S. Anderson but better than Frank Miller
– Why, for Fuck’s sake, did they change Cobra Commander’s mask? Why? How in the Hell can you fuck that up?
– Needed more Scarlett on a motorcycle
– Needed more Scarlett kicking ass
– Needed more Scarlett sitting around watching paint dry
– It was better than Transformers 2
– Wasn’t as good as the animated G.I. Joe: The Movie
– I should have seen District 9 instead


  1. Dan Griffin says:

    I’ve always wonder this, but is that Charlie Day as Cobra Commander on Attack of the show? It sounds an awful lot like him.

  2. Chris says:

    So you wouldn’t necessarily recommend it?

    • If you go with friends knowing full well the movie is kinda awful, you may have a god time just making fun of it. And like I said, the scenes with Scarlett, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were decent.


      • MicahSkin says:

        Don’t MST3K the GI Joe movie in a theatre with people that might enjoy it… like lobotomy victims, Good Charlotte fans and Megan Fox…. Give them their thirty three bucks worth and then go home and make fun of it.

        I always loved Scarlett tho. I still have that action figure… (not in box or nuthin but still decent.)

      • Chris says:

        “Give them their thirty three bucks worth ”
        It costs $33 to go to the cinema in America?

  3. generaldark says:

    i thought it was good for jsut being an action move but story wise it sucked. i know nothing of kobra commanders mask but i was expecting it to be cooler.

  4. Variant Girl says:

    You are right J, should have seen a different movie.

    It suxed as I knew it would, and yes District 9 waaaaay better, good movie, it was actually worth the money and effort to watch it.

  5. TheComicRant says:

    This flick was hilarous.

    Totally felt like it was written by a bunch of 6 year olds sitting around a table.

  6. MicahSkin says:

    I liked Ebert’s review. “As much as I’m trashing this movie, it’s STILL better than Transformers 2.”

    And yes that’s Charlie Day, one of my future husbands along with Alec Newman, Henry Rollins and Chris Evans.

    • kurumais says:

      you sure have a lot of future husbands what do all your current husbands think about that?

    • He he. I didn’t mean MST3K style. Though if you go on a week night, like I did, you can probably get away with it since there are only a few other people in the theater. My friend and I had a better time ripping on the movie on our drive home than while we were actually watching the movie. Good times.

      And, yes. Charlie Day is the man. I want to see him star in the remake of Serpico.


  7. MicahSkin says:

    I’d list the movies I want him to remake with me but then I’d get banned.

    And I know you wouldn’t do that in a crowded theater. Was being silly. But seriously, the RiffTrax for this is gonna ROCK!!!

  8. MicahSkin says:

    Serious? please, half the time I go to Poker night at the bar I work at, I go to gab about comics with the bartender (Who loves Bendis, I’m workin on it). “yeah, yeah, I fold, SO WHAT ABOUT CLAN DESTINE J? YOU EVER READ IT?!?!” That led to 3 shots and 2 Guinnesses and a discussion about Kay Cera taking out Psylocke.

    As for the 33 buck comment, I assume they bought a small coke.

  9. kurumais says:

    My thoughts on Gi joe

    I had a couple of my nephews last so we went the 11 year old liked it the 14 year old didn’t so that should tell you how good this movie is.
    Btw the 11 year old liked transformers to but is on record that he does not want to see another sequel which I found curious.

    Marlon wayans was the number 2 guy in this flick that also should tell you how good it is.

    At first I was mad at JGL for even being in this movie…. then it hit me the money! why should he get a nice payday . and he was pretty good cartoony good but good none the less

    Christopher eccelston left doctor who to do %^& like this WTF he thinking ?!?!?

    Dennis quaid sure phoned it in didn’t he?

    Snake eyes and storm were the best things in the movie I especially liked the fight n kitchen when they were kids

    what was braden fraser even doing in this movie? And is it possible nichloas cage wasn’t? he ,like branden, finds all the bad scripts in Hollywood.

    Channing tatum’s name has been bounced around with connection to captain America if he gets cast as steve rogers we can kiss any chance, of that movie and the avengers movie of being good, goodbye. I’ve never seen him before but he was atrocious in this movie and has zero charisma/ onscreen presence.

    Scarlet annoyed me as the movie went probably because of the silly romance sub plot with damon wayons . btw why do they put romance/ love story subplots in action movies? they don’t put gun fights and chase scenes in chick flicks.

    A couple of people asked me what it was like and I mentioned at times it ripped off starwars movies the 2nd starwars movies not the good ones

    Anyway I got to spend the day with my nephews and that’s always worth it

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