The (Why Do I Put Myself Through This Torture?) Hulk #14 Review

Posted: August 28, 2009 in CCW Review, Marvel
Tags: , , ,

Suckfest City

Title: Hulk #14
Writer: Jeph Loeb
Art: Ian Churchill and Mark Farmer
Publisher: Marvel
Price: $3.99

The fact that Marvel expects people to pay $3.99 for the Hulk title now that there is no Bruce Banner/Green Hulk or Ed McGuinness art in the book blows my fucking mind. At least while McGuinness was drawing the book I could understand why someone would pick up this God awful comic. But Marvel replaces Mcguinness with Ian Churchill (with Jeph Loeb still “writing” it) and expects people to still buy it? That’s like DC replacing Greg Rucka AND J. H. Williams III with Tony Daniel and thinking that people won’t notice and still pick up Detective Comics.

This book has become completely useless. Now that the main character of the title is the Red Hulk, who is one of the worst characters ever created, why the Hell bother reading it? Well, unless you are reading it to see how much more of a train wreck it can become that is.

This entire issue is narrated by the Red Hulk and it is trying so fucking hard to clever and crime noir-ish that it’s just brutal. Loeb is not Ed Brubaker so he should just stick to writing his silly, terrible dialogue and childish jokes like he’s used to. Another great Loebism that pops up in this issue is his relying on the fact that if he throws as many characters into the story as possible nobody will notice how truly terrible it is.

So here’s the gist of it. Domino, from X-Force, see’s the Red Hulk’s secret identity so now Rulk (how vomit inducing is that name?) thinks she must die. He chases her for a bit and then loses her. So the logical thing to do is to gather a group of random Marvel characters to help him track her down. But how will he get these random Marvel characters to help him? Well, he’ll bribe them of course. Now this is where things start becoming quite unbearable.

We all know the Loeb doesn’t give two shits about continuity so this all should come as no surprise. Here is the list of people who Rulk wants to gather up as a tram and the things he is bribing them with:

Character: Deadpool.
Bribe: One Million Dollars
The problem with that logic: In the Deadpool comic he is now independently wealthy. He actually has more money than he knows what to do with. Why would DP help Rulk for even more unnecessary money? To add insult in injury not one god damn thing that comes out of Deadpool’s mouth is at all witty or funny. Shocking , I know.

Character: The Punisher
Bribe: Access to “the whereabouts of every dirt bag in the witness protection program“
The problem with that logic: I really don’t think the Punisher would give a rat’s ass. He already knows everything he needs to know about the people he is going after. And why trust Rulk? Punisher has never been a team player so why would he agree to join a team?

Character: Crimson Dynamo
Bribe: “Just got off the boat and needs political asylum”
The problem with that logic: Where the fuck did Loeb pull this shit from? Dynamo is currently appearing in Invincible Iron Man and is quite happy helping Tony Stark from Russia. He even gave Stark the Dynamo armor to use. Why is he all of a sudden “off the boat” and “seeking political asylum” in his armor no less?

Character: Thundra
Bribe: Rulk “worked out a side deal that’s nobody’s business but his own”
The problem with that logic: Thundra was part of She Hulk’s Lady Liberator’s team who hunted down and beat the shit out of Rulk. What reason would she have to now all of a sudden become chummy and help him? Knowing Loeb’s genius writing I am sure that this “side deal” that they worked out has something to do with Rulk fucking her brain’s out. Oh, you don’t think that Loeb would write something so completely juvenile? You must have missed that Ultimate Hulk Annual that he wrote.

Character: Elektra
Bribe: Unknown
The problem with that logic: Do I really need to go into it?

And if that wasn’t enough characters for you he throws in the entire X-Force team including Wolverine. Fucking brilliant.

So while great comics like Agents of Atlas and Runaways are being put on hiatus Marvel is still publishing the piece of shit known as Hulk because people are buying the hell out of it. If you are one of the people who are buying this book and enjoying it while critically acclaimed books are being canceled by Marvel then I sincerely hope that you are not reproducing. Then again I shouldn’t really worry about that. It‘s not like you will probably ever get the chance to, right, fanboy?

Oh, to answer the question of “Why do I put myself through this torture?” Well, I do it for you guys. You’re welcome.

J.

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Comments
  1. Dan Griffin says:

    I liked the art, just do what i do. White out all the word bubbles and put in your own. I made Rulk into a Colonial British soldier.

  2. thecomicrant says:

    Agents of Atlas is on hitaus?

    Fuck you Marvel.

  3. Chris says:

    Is this book part of the proper marvel canon? Because Elektra couldn’t/shouldn’t be there and the same goes for Crimson Dynamo… Loeb’s editor must pick stuff like that up, even Bendis wouldn’t do it!

  4. comicbookdude89 says:

    Hey don’t Hulk Red books take like 3 minutes to read? The torture couldn’t have been all that bad… but then again it’s Loeb writing so I can understand. I can’t believe people will buy this shit thinking it will be an awesome read, well guess what fanboy it isn’t and it never will be…as long as Loeb is writing it. Heh, Jose you should review the Red She-Hulk issue! WTF Marvel!?!?!?! You are slipping fast from my extreme liking of you guys. Sigh… I’ll miss good quality books like Captain Britain and MI13, War Machine, Immortal Iron Fist, Ultimate X-Men, Ultimate Fantastic Four, and many others. This fanboy is a sad fanboy right now… 😦 At least DC is there for me right now and producing some awesome stuff. Thanks Marvel!

  5. Joseph says:

    Great Review Jose. I know it must be very torturous, but thanks for taking the time and reviewing this god forsaken book.

    also, great tag…horse shit indeed.

  6. kurumais says:

    has anyone seen a good review of this book since it started? i havent. there has to be a few on youtube though. but this cant be a case of the emperor’s new clothes pretty much everyone has been saying its crap but fans of the book dont care. what are going to do…

    btw i love the horse shit tag to even when J slaps it on one of my bendis’s books

  7. Pobra says:

    Holy fuck. First of all, thank you Jose for enduring what was no doubt one of the most excruciating experiences since your review of Ultimatum, to deliver such an entertaining review. Secondly, do you think Rulk is as bad/worse/slightly better than Ultimatum? Better yet, I think you should do a rundown of the shittiest comics you’ve read in the past couple years, and give us your reasons why they are on your shit list. That good sir, would be what the kids refer to as “epic”.

  8. comicbookdude89 says:

    Jeph Loeb is hiding behind all these phenominal artists like:

    Joe Madureira
    Ed McGuinness
    Marko Djurdjevic
    David Finch
    Ian Churchill
    Frank Cho
    Arthur Adams
    Finally, Greg Land and Rob Liefeld!!! lol JK both of them are bad.

    Even Herb Trimpe for God’s Sake!!! I have met Trimpe and he’s an awesome guy! Maybe that’s one reason why Loeb’s books sell so well because he has great artists on his books… just a thought.

  9. Deemar says:

    I finally gave up on Hulk after the Art Adams arc, it was my guilty pleasure, but I feel ashamed to have liked it

  10. Zcorp79 says:

    Jepb Loeb’s Hulk is popular because the readers that buy it are the same people who thought Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was the best movie ever. I would not touch the Hulk book with a ten foot pole and feel bad for you Jose for reading it.

  11. the ace of knaves says:

    I’m defending Rulk because yea, he is pretty shitty.

    And I know Loeb has definitely let himself slide.

    But you do realize that he wrote the masterpieces that were The Long Halloween and Dark Victory? He can write noir-ish stories.

    But yea the noir style doesn’t really lend itself to a Hulk book.

  12. the ace of knaves says:

    oops i meant NOT defending Rulk. 😀

  13. kurumais says:

    CBR actually gave this an ok review

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