Title: Giant Size Wolverine Old Man Logan
Writer: Mark Millar
Art: Steve McNiven and Dexter Vines w/Mark Morales
Price: $4.99 (and a little piece of your soul)
It has been too long since I wrote a review on here and I really have missed doing them. I wanted my first review back to be that of a very special comic and Marvel did not disappoint by releasing the final part of the Old Man Logan story this week. This is a very special comic indeed. Now, before I get into this rant I want to mention a couple of things:
1. I will only be reviewing the contents of this particular issue and not those of the previous issues. Trust me, this issue has enough for me to deal with without getting into all of the other shenanigans that preceded it.
2. I know some of our viewers and readers like Old Man Logan a lot. For that I am sorry.
Giant Size Wolverine: Old Man Logan is one of the most unnecessary, clichéd (a word you will be seeing me use a lot), uncreative, depraved, senselessly violent, piece of shit comics I have ever had the displeasure of reading. In other words, it’s everything that typical fanboys will love to jerk off to. Folks, the fact that this issue will no doubt be a top seller is just one reason why this industry is headed straight into the shitter.
The entire issue consists of Logan gettin’ him some payback for the Hulk Gang killing his entire family. The entire story clocks in at 32 pages and for 29 of those you will be treated to non-stop decapitations, dismembering, impaling, cannibalism, explosions, violence towards women and a cow disembowelment. You getting hard yet fanboy? No, well let’s see what else is in here that may do the trick. How about having three members of the Hulk Gang fuck an entire brothel of woman into unconsciousness? Oh, I knew that would do it for you. Did you think that this type of bullshit was only reserved exclusively for Bendis and Loeb comics? Not anymore fanboy.
Since I brought up the Hulk Gang let’s talk about them really quick like. I love the fact that they are all redneck trash. Millar really pulled out all the creative stops though by giving them names like Rufus, Beau, Luke, Billy-Bob and Bobby-Jo. And having the family’s origin being that Bruce fucked his own cousin, Jennifer Walters a.k.a. She-Hulk to start the family? It doesn’t get more redneck than fucking your first cousin. Seriously, Millar is just an unending fountain of
mental diarrhea imagination.
So, I am to believe that Jenny Walters willing had sex with Bruce Banner? Really? He wanted to start a family of Hulks and she just went along with it? Is that what Mark Millar is reducing that character to in order to further this god damn abortion of a story? Probably the closest thing that Marvel has to a female icon and she is nothing more than a breeding mare in Mark Millar’s universe? Well, this is a Marvel Comic after all so it really just is par for the course. This comic plays into the whole male fanboy power fantasy. You can solve all of your problems through violence and the only reason women exist is for you to use and abuse as you see fit. I have a sneaking suspicion that a majority of fanboys who bought this issue and loved it will be the same douchebags who will go see the new Tucker Max movie a declare it “The Best Movie of All the Times.”
I am going to try to wrap up this really long winded and rambling reviewing by talking about the exceptionally clichéd ending and the out and out thievery of a concept. Ahem…so, toward the end of the book Logan finally gets around to fighting the Hulk. How does the fight end? The Hulk eats Logan of course. Did you really think it would have ended any other way? This IS Mark Millar writing the story. After the incredibly awfully drawn splash page of Hulk taking a bite out of Logan’s midsection we see Banner sitting In his cave chatting with the last of his sons, or cousins, or whatever. It is at this exact point where I thought to myself “Millar is actually going to have Logan slice his way out if the Hulk’s belly, isn’t he?” What a fucking joke. Why would someone want to write something new and creative when they can always fall back on clichéd horse shit? And speaking of not wanting to write something new and creative the story ends with Logan leaving his home to go bring order back to the country…with Hulk’s infant son in tow in what I am sure most fanboys are seeing as an opening for a sequel. And that sequel will most likely just rip off Lone Wolf and Cub in a variety of ways which will be good for Millar because he can just phone in the story and collect another paycheck.
It is becoming painfully obvious that this is the type of comic fanboys want more of in the future. One with absolutely no creativity, no strong female protagonists and no thinking involved. One with stagnant and stiff art, implied rape, and never-ending violence. All of that and they are also willing to pay $4.99 for it. That’s right, $4.99 for 32 pages of story, a few pages of sketchy shit and reprints of all of the covers to all of the previous comics in the story that they already own. Yes, fanboys are a fucking dumb lot.