The (One of the Most Unnecessary Comics in Existence) Giant-Size Wolverine: Old Man Logan Rant Review

Posted: September 23, 2009 in CCW Rant Review, CCW Review, Marvel
Tags: , , ,

Pure Horseshit

Title: Giant Size Wolverine Old Man Logan
Writer: Mark Millar
Art: Steve McNiven and Dexter Vines w/Mark Morales
Publisher: Marvel
Price: $4.99 (and a little piece of your soul)

It has been too long since I wrote a review on here and I really have missed doing them. I wanted my first review back to be that of a very special comic and Marvel did not disappoint by releasing the final part of the Old Man Logan story this week. This is a very special comic indeed. Now, before I get into this rant I want to mention a couple of things:

1. I will only be reviewing the contents of this particular issue and not those of the previous issues. Trust me, this issue has enough for me to deal with without getting into all of the other shenanigans that preceded it.

2. I know some of our viewers and readers like Old Man Logan a lot. For that I am sorry.

Giant Size Wolverine: Old Man Logan is one of the most unnecessary, clichéd (a word you will be seeing me use a lot), uncreative, depraved, senselessly violent, piece of shit comics I have ever had the displeasure of reading. In other words, it’s everything that typical fanboys will love to jerk off to. Folks, the fact that this issue will no doubt be a top seller is just one reason why this industry is headed straight into the shitter.

The entire issue consists of Logan gettin’ him some payback for the Hulk Gang killing his entire family. The entire story clocks in at 32 pages and for 29 of those you will be treated to non-stop decapitations, dismembering, impaling, cannibalism, explosions, violence towards women and a cow disembowelment. You getting hard yet fanboy? No, well let’s see what else is in here that may do the trick. How about having three members of the Hulk Gang fuck an entire brothel of woman into unconsciousness? Oh, I knew that would do it for you. Did you think that this type of bullshit was only reserved exclusively for Bendis and Loeb comics? Not anymore fanboy.

Since I brought up the Hulk Gang let’s talk about them really quick like. I love the fact that they are all redneck trash. Millar really pulled out all the creative stops though by giving them names like Rufus, Beau, Luke, Billy-Bob and Bobby-Jo. And having the family’s origin being that Bruce fucked his own cousin, Jennifer Walters a.k.a. She-Hulk to start the family? It doesn’t get more redneck than fucking your first cousin. Seriously, Millar is just an unending fountain of mental diarrhea imagination.

So, I am to believe that Jenny Walters willing had sex with Bruce Banner? Really? He wanted to start a family of Hulks and she just went along with it? Is that what Mark Millar is reducing that character to in order to further this god damn abortion of a story? Probably the closest thing that Marvel has to a female icon and she is nothing more than a breeding mare in Mark Millar’s universe? Well, this is a Marvel Comic after all so it really just is par for the course. This comic plays into the whole male fanboy power fantasy. You can solve all of your problems through violence and the only reason women exist is for you to use and abuse as you see fit. I have a sneaking suspicion that a majority of fanboys who bought this issue and loved it will be the same douchebags who will go see the new Tucker Max movie a declare it “The Best Movie of All the Times.”

I am going to try to wrap up this really long winded and rambling reviewing by talking about the exceptionally clichéd ending and the out and out thievery of a concept. Ahem…so, toward the end of the book Logan finally gets around to fighting the Hulk. How does the fight end? The Hulk eats Logan of course. Did you really think it would have ended any other way? This IS Mark Millar writing the story. After the incredibly awfully drawn splash page of Hulk taking a bite out of Logan’s midsection we see Banner sitting In his cave chatting with the last of his sons, or cousins, or whatever. It is at this exact point where I thought to myself “Millar is actually going to have Logan slice his way out if the Hulk’s belly, isn’t he?” What a fucking joke. Why would someone want to write something new and creative when they can always fall back on clichéd horse shit? And speaking of not wanting to write something new and creative the story ends with Logan leaving his home to go bring order back to the country…with Hulk’s infant son in tow in what I am sure most fanboys are seeing as an opening for a sequel. And that sequel will most likely just rip off Lone Wolf and Cub in a variety of ways which will be good for Millar because he can just phone in the story and collect another paycheck.

It is becoming painfully obvious that this is the type of comic fanboys want more of in the future. One with absolutely no creativity, no strong female protagonists and no thinking involved. One with stagnant and stiff art, implied rape, and never-ending violence. All of that and they are also willing to pay $4.99 for it. That’s right, $4.99 for 32 pages of story, a few pages of sketchy shit and reprints of all of the covers to all of the previous comics in the story that they already own. Yes, fanboys are a fucking dumb lot.

J.

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Comments
  1. Zipblockbloody says:

    Wow Rape, Violence, More Wolverine shit and what seems like shitty comic. Man I hope Disney helps Marvel get back on it’s feet but highly doubt it.

  2. kurumais says:

    wait 32 pages is GIANT sized now?
    who did millar steal wolvie cutting himself out hulk from? i dont follow hulk or wolvie

  3. hero vs. villian says:

    Red Neck and out of ideas? Yep, that sounds like Mark Millar to me!

  4. mbell028 says:

    I have loved this series, but I am not one of the fools spending money on each issue I downloaded all the issues. I’m a poor college student I can’t afford to spend $4.99 on one book alone….also I found the last issue of Ash Saves Obama 2 this week in my local comic shop and I bought it….your welcome Elliot lol.

  5. Ironmuskrat says:

    Wow, not much to say after that review =) I guess I will pass on that one…

    One thing though… that cover is weirding me out… it looks like the hulk is crawling his way out of something… I don’t really want to say.. I know it is suppose to be a cave… perhaps the cover artist had an opinion on this issue as well =)

  6. Canibal_Otaku says:

    Wow, that comic sounds like(Well is!) a big spit in the face to hulk, she-hulk & logan fans.
    I’ll get this one when it hits the 50c bin.

    • comicbookdude89 says:

      I was gonna do the same thing and wait for it 2 show up in a dollar box… I don’t know if I want to now after reading this review! 🙂

  7. MatthewHex says:

    Oh man really funny review! I cant wait to read this. I think I’m gonna disagree on everything you said, but I still love reading your reviews. Keep them coming man. They crack me up.

  8. Locusmortis says:

    I’m fucking glad I didn’t get this series, mainly because McNivens bland art is really overrated by marvel. I guess that Enemy of the State was a fluke, although he did have genius artist JRJR doing that series. Also enemy of the state took a large amount of “influence” from the Claremont/Lee Acts of Vengeance storyline in Uncanny 256-258.

    Its a pity that the current 3 laziest writers from Marvel… Bendis, Loeb and Millar sell like gangbusters, I guess thats what the market wants….

  9. comicbookdude89 says:

    Wow. I’m glad I skipped this issue. ASM#606 was the best ASM issue since 600. Read it! Invincible was very good. FF#571 and DC#857 sold out at my store… I was sad and happy at the same time. man, Millar is letting me down big time. I love Ultimates vol. 1+2, I love his run on Ultimate X-Men, and I love Wanted. And yes the last three pages off Wanted were pretty bad. Hulk eating someone? I thought Loeb had the rights to that idea! lol What’s your favorite part of Wanted Jose?

  10. comicbookdude89 says:

    It’s nice to see reviews again! 🙂 Keep em coming!

  11. Brandonpwns1244 says:

    Hey you gotta give Steve Mcniven the credit here. I will admit the writing was pretty fucking shitty, but i felt that the art was welll worth it

  12. JohnnyHorror92182 says:

    I think part of Millar’s problem is that his view on American’s isn’t quite right. I remember you and Elliott mentioning this about the way he wrote inner-city gang members in some War comic he did last year or earlier in the year. Anyway, I think he likes American sterotypes (gang-bangers or rednecks) and he writes that point-of-view into his books.

  13. MANACONDA! says:

    as dumb as the writting is, i love mcniven art. i could bathe in it. well i wouldnt want to actually. but i do think hes very good.

  14. Brandonpwns1244 says:

    Mark Millar reminds me of a shittier Garth Ennis. Ennis is pretty damn good at writing characters with stereo typical American aspects, as shown in the Preacher. Most things that Jesse Custer says are spot on for a Texan. It almost seems that Millar tries to use the shock value of Ennis’s writing in books such as Kick Ass, except just not as good.

  15. Pobra says:

    Yes, i read this book and yes i bought this book… I think that’s all I’m going to say… I’m not particularly proud of myself… but there it is. I will say that I do really like Steve McNiven, but maybe even that is saying too much… I’m gonna go re-read Detective Comics now…

  16. Deemar says:

    See now I feel bad for buying and liking this comic

    To hell with it, Jose will just have to think less of me for this one

  17. MicahSkin says:

    Gee, I wasn’t able to read between the lines. How do you really feel about this book?

    Am I the only one insulted by this crap?

  18. Locusmortis says:

    Who is the cover artist? those characters seem to be 90% made of veins.

  19. kurumais says:

    im still baffled how hulk could eat wolverine and his unbreakable skeleton did he swallow him whole?

  20. phil says:

    For me, the question was not whether I was going to address this matter, but how I was going to. What I get is that you despise this series, Jose. What I don’t get is why does anyone who dares to have the audacity to like it, why must they be made to feel like the manure stained piece of bubble-yum beneath someone’s old tennis shoe?

    Going by one of your comments from a slieghtly earlier posting,you essentially say that by liking this comic, it pretty much goes to prove that you don’t like quality writing. (I’m paraphrasing of course) What I would like to know is since I’ve also enjoyed Batman&Robin, Detective, BlackestNight and BN/Green Lantern, all comics that to some degree or other, you feel are well written…what category would that put me in ?
    a) the guy with poor taste, who just lucked out on some quality books…or
    b) the guy with good taste, for having picked out those titles, who happened to have a lapse in judgement when purchasing OML?
    Well, be it a, b, or A c that I didn’t think of, I’ll say this: Now that I have the whole series, I enthusiastically and unapologetically love this series. The odd thing is I don’t feel the need to defile myself in any way. All of a sudden I wanna go pick up GoothamCitySirens

    • I think most, if not all, of my commentary needs to be taken with some humor. What I think may be quality writing may very well not be in your opinion. My opinions matter no more than yours. Please do not take anything I say as an insult. This blog is here for people to share their opinions on comics and to have fun.

      Now, if you do take what I say as an insult then there is nothing I can do. The opinions expressed on this blog are mine and mine alone. Is everybody going to agree with me? Of course not. But if I do in fact cause someone to think just a little about what they enjoy and why they enjoy it that is a good way to start a conversation.

      I unapologetically stand behind my criticisms and if that makes someone feel bad about themselves then oh well. Nothing anybody says should make a person question their self worth. If they believe in their opinions strong enough then nothing I say should make them feel any less of a person for believing so.

      J.

  21. phil says:

    I was so excited I said Gootham |:D

    k…o..

  22. Smallmaniac says:

    My defense of picking up the majority of the story: Wolverine, a very violent character, was playing a pacifist. I wanted to see what that would look like, and Millar could have made that concept into such a great story.

    After having bought all the other OML issues, I couldn’t see paying $5 for a comic that followed the oh so original moment of the story when the protagonist comes to find his family killed. That and Wolverine’s pacifism coming from an overtly violent act that looked for more shock value than purpose. “It didn’t have the be the whole team, Millar!” So I decided instead to spend $4 to see Geoff Johns cleverly put “Chloe S.” on a cast in Superman: Secret Origin #1. Far more satisfying than OML would have been especially because the writer/artist team on Superman is one of my favorite teams. It was 40 pages of story for $4, which is such a better deal.

  23. phil says:

    There were a number of ways for me to go on this, as a matter of fact this is my 2nd time coming to this page…the 1st, I’m just staring at a blank screen, watching this vertical hash mark blinking, waiting for me to tap that 1st key, then nothing. I’ve already scripted 6 or 7 paragraphs that I think counter some of the things that yoou respond back to me with. After some reflection I throw the script out.
    Honestly Jose, I’m not trying to be the fly in your ointment (forgive the DieHard reference) Nor do I wish to be arguementative for the sake of being arguementative. I am well aware that this is your house and I am but a guest in it. Anything that I say that may come off as strong or with bite is not meant as any kind of disrepect to you, I just at times feel as strongly as you, although on occassion at differing ends of the spectrum.
    So until I do my own blog, I’ll endeavor to be a bit less dramatic with how I respond to some things that I take issue with. Now if you’ll excuse me I gotta go put the finishing touches on my “Why I love O M L but I hate Wolverine piece”.

    k…0..

  24. Matthew Guy says:

    I read every issue of this “master-shit” story & art. Since I was born Alabama seeing all the stupid jokes that I find insulting to the highest degree. No more money for CW,BND (first arc) & OML from me. The writer was going for the lowest of the low common denominator of comics & the artist doesnt know about being “on time” means to save his life.

    To sum up my feelings on this is a fucking disgrace to comics & what what the medium can really achieve if done well from the start.

    Matthew

  25. Rod says:

    This kind of shitty fan fiction is the reason why I have gravitated more towards the Distinguished Competition. Marvel should start flushing some toilets in the near future instead of turning there crap into comics.

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