The (And the Bendis Shit Train Keeps on Chug-Chugging Along) Dark Avengers #10 Review

Posted: October 21, 2009 in CCW Rant Review, CCW Review, Marvel
Tags: , ,

Yeesh

Title: Dark Avengers #10
Writer: Brian Bendis
Art: Mike Deodato
Publisher: Marvel
Price: $3.99
Pages: 32

I’m going to be completely honest with you. I have been sitting here staring at a blank screen on my laptop for the last twenty minutes trying to think of a way to tackle this review. Scratch that. I should say that I am trying to think of a somewhat CLEVER way to tackle this review but I can’t think of one. Though, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that a book so god damn boring and uncreative could in any way inspire a creative review. It’s like this comic is just a black hole sucking out all of the creativity and imagination from my mind. And with no creativity or imagination around to write a clever review all I am left with is my fucking anger. My fucking anger for, yet again, having to read another pointless Bendis comic. My anger for, yet again, having to read his “cool and witty” dialogue. My anger for, yet again, him insulting women. I should point out in his defense that he didn’t have a character randomly call Ms. Marvel a whore in this issue but instead Bendis actually MADE Ms. Marvel a whore in this issue. He sure puts the ‘ass’ in ‘class’ doesn’t he? But we’ll get back to that point in a minute.

Issue #10 begins with very quick 5 page story of two college women driving through a town called Dinosaur located in the state of Colorado. One of the women, who is the daughter of the U.S. Secretary of State, is being taken on a road trip by her BFF to get away for a while from her cheating boyfriend. While stopping at a diner for a pee (women, huh? you can’t take them anywhere without them having them go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Am I right guys?) something unspeakable happens to the two college students off panel and they go missing. Moral of the Bendis Story? Girls, stay in your abusive relationships with your cheating boyfriends and under no circumstances should you ever leave them or something quite terrible will happen to you. That’s what I took away from this cautionary tale anyway.

After that little prologue we are greeted by a splash page of Ares cutting the Man-Thing in two with his battle ax. Why? Because Man-Thing was apparently on Norman Osborn’s Shit List…or something like that. But as we all know Man-Thing can’t really totally be cut in half because he can regenerate and stuff so this little bit really makes no sense but that has never stopped Bendis before. After the bisection of Man-Thing, Bullsye and Ares have some cute little dialogue between themselves…but what’s this? One of the Dark Avengers feels kinda bad for the Man-Thing and that Dark Avenger in none other than Venom. It turns out that the medication dose that Victoria Hand has been giving Gargan is a little off which is now making Venom…a little off. And yes, this fucking “Venom acting like a pussy because of his meds” joke goes throughout the ENTIRE fucking issue. Bendis is all about subtlety don’t ya know. At least he didn’t have Venom eat someone, yet again, in this issue.

The next scene takes place in Avengers Tower during the following morning where we find the Dark Avengers…eating breakfast, YET AGAIN, and drinking coffee, YET AGAIN. What the fuck, man? I swear to fucking god that that is all the New Avengers and Dark Avengers do in their comics. They sit around their kitchen table eating breakfast/chinese food and drinking coffee. Drink coffee and eat and eat and drink coffee. That is some high concept superhero shit right there me friends. Jeeeeezus. Ok, back to the DA eating breakfast and some awesome Bendis dialogue:

Ms. Marvel (asking Victoria Hand): Where is Osborn?

Bullseye: Why? Is he next on your to-do list?

Ms. Marvel: No. You are.

Bullseye: You couldn’t even come close to handling it.

Ms. Marvel: Try me.

Aaaand then the two make “fuck me” eyes at each other for another couple of panels. Here’s some more classic Bendis:

Bendis Baby Wolverine: Where is Osborn?

Victoria Hand: He’s got a lot on his plate. Not just you guys.

Bendis Baby Wolverine: You don’t know.

Ares: Leave it be.

Bendis Baby Wolverine: No. I can smell a lie. Especially on A WOMAN. They reek when they lie. And she’s lying.

So, what, do guys small like fresh picked roses when they lie? Why in Fuck City am I reading this in an “Avengers” comic? And why do editor’s think that it’s ok to print this shit in a Marvel comic? I’m glad though to see Bendis had some more insults left in his Bag O’ Misogyny. I was kinda getting worried there for a while that he had finally come to his senses.

I had some other observations about this comic I was going to make but let’s just jump right to the biggest problem I had with it. A few pages after talking about banging each other we see Bullseye and Ms. Marvel having another conversation which leads to Ms. Marvel taking off her top and “seductively(?)” inviting Bullseye into her room. In the last panel of the page we see a huge shit eating grin on Bulleye’s face. I can not relay to you in words alone how completely classless this page is. And when I see Bullseye’s bald headed face all I can think of is Brian Bendis finding it awesome that he is finally getting to write Ms. Marvel as the whore that he thinks she is. Now, before you get all in my face about this bullshit, I am quite certain that she is playing Bullseye in some way that will benefit Marvel Boy…but still, a better writer would have thought of a more imaginative way about doing it without making a Marvel character into a whore. I guess that’s just Bendis writing what he knows, huh?

I think that’s where I am going to end this review. There is some other shit that happens with The Sentry and a cliff hanger ending that Bendis completely pulls out of his ass. And that’s about it. The cliffhanger, I think, is supposed to make the reader sympathize with Osborn and the Dark Avengers because of the situation they are put in but I could really care less about them so it doesn’t really work. Now, if they all die in the next issue I would definitely care about that because it will have meant that Marvel finally did something right.

J.

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Comments
  1. Venom829 says:

    YOUR BEST REVIEW EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Next to your Old Man Logan review). Awesome. Man does Bendis like writing Moonstone as a whore. That’s the SECOND guy shes banged on the team! I would like to see her being writen as a strong character in her own way, Bendis is not the one for that job. Great review. You have to bring this up in the videos. This was just INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!!

    • Wait there was a FIRST guy she banged??? Who else did she bang??? Personally I love Ms.Marvel and reading this review and reading about how Bendis is treating her is breaking my heart. Yeah I know she’s not the real Ms.Marvel, but still…

      Heroes/Villains sleeping w/ each other must be the new trend at Marvel because its frickin happening everywhere! What a “wonderful example” Marvel is showing the kids! But the sad thing is is that you know Joey Q loves this shit. What a total jackass. I think I just destroyed my future dream of being a writer for Marvel… Whew! I’m goin on a rant here! It’s fun!

  2. TheComicRant says:

    Why is this book still around? The heroes just don’t do anything and let these maniacs run shit? No way, NO WAY would Spidey let Norman Osborn take control like this. The Avengers I grew up with would have busted in their and fucked shit up by now.

    I haven’t been keeping up with Marvel outside of Daredevil’s world and JMS’s Thor. I’m glad, cause this shit sounds terrible!

  3. Locusmortis says:

    Wow Bendis must be having some problems at home or something because he sure as shit has some “issues”, reading an avengers comic is like playing a game of “guess the subtext”

  4. generaldark says:

    bendis should just have the artist draw his scenes but have the readers make there own dialoge and this book would be so awsome!!!

  5. Ironmuskrat says:

    I personally hope that Dark Avengers stays around as a continuing series for a long time to come. Not because I plan to read it or think it is any good, but the immense pleasure I get from reading Jose reviews on the subject.

    I am being selfish of course, Jose must have to do an intense combination of strong drink and/or mind altering drugs to get through an issue of Dark Avengers, but Jose’s pain is our pleasure, keep up the good work!

    =)

    IM

    • No. Dark Avengers just needs to go. As much as I love Jose ripping on DA, this book just needs to go. But thanks to those fanboys we may never see DA leave. Or anytime soon at least… I think that if Joey Q leaves and Marvel replaces him w/ another guy/gal like Jim Shooter, I think that that could possibly restore what faith I have lost in Marvel recently.

      • Locusmortis says:

        oh jesus Shooter coming back to marvel would be fucking brilliant. So brilliant that it will never happen unfortunately.

  6. I don’t think the editors at Marvel even read the stuff they get. Seriously. They’ve let sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much crap slide by that makes me sick and in some cases causes me to drop the book for a while (i.e. Amazing Spider-Man) or forever (which hasn’t happened yet, but a couple of Marvel books are getting pretty damn close to me dropping them forever). Bendis used to be my favorite writer (back when I was reading USM) so after reading this review and other of his “amazing” Avengers stuff how can I say that he’s one of my favorite writers when he pulls stupid shit like treating women characters like the dirt on the bottom of your shoe (I suppose I’m being a little genorous there)but seriously I don’t want girls that I know thinking I hate women (which clearly I don’t) just becuase I read his stuff sometimes. What happenend to the Bendis that gave us Ultimate Spider-Man and Powers? I don’t know… I’m disliking Marvel more and more every week… but thank God there is DC and Image that I can turn to that can restore my faith in comic books! 🙂 aaaaaaand yet another loooong post by moi. As you guys can see I loooooooooove talking about comic books. That’s half the reason I collect them.

  7. MicahSkin says:

    Just give me my X-Facxtor and Morrissey luvin Wuvable Oaf comics and let the fanboys rot.

  8. JohnnyHorror92182 says:

    Bendis gives no reason why they are hunting down Man-Thing. What the fuck! What did Man-Thing do?

    And Molocule Man shows up….

    • Locusmortis says:

      It’s Bendis’s 70’s mission to rape and pillage 70’s characters again… Power Man, Iron Fist, Spider-Woman, Brother Voodoo… I bet you Son of Satan and Werewolf by Night will show up sooner or later…

    • Pobra says:

      Molecule Man showed up in this?? Man, Bendis is really going to have his way with him… Why can’t marvel start giving these characters to BETTER writers who might actually make them interesting, rather than making them one-dimensional nit wits who are only used as cheesy plot devises?

  9. Jeremy says:

    I don’t understand, if you hate his writing so much why do you read it? Do you like pain or something? Are you hoping he’ll get better? I just don’t get it. I have alot of respect for you Jose, you calls em as you sees em, but for some reason you keeping reading shit and then you get angry when you smell (bad metaphore I know) that shit. This really can’t be good for you to be getting so angry all the time. My motto, if you don’t like it there is NO law saying you HAVE to read it.
    PS I do not mean to criticize, but I just wanted to voice my opinion. I’m sure you can understand that.

  10. Locusmortis says:

    Oh come on we’re just waiting for the day that Jose actually bursts a blood vessel while taping!

  11. Deemar says:

    Just epic J

  12. Dirtydozen says:

    I can understand Ms. Marvel being portrayed this way IF her character was portrayed this way in the past. That said, the exchanges between Wolvie Jr and Victoria Hand reeks of misogyny and really served zero purpose whatsoever. Bendis has some really bizarre issues with female characters that I’m sure he’d never admit but definitely knows they exist.

    • Dirtydozen says:

      Also, I hope Man-Thing comes back and kicks Ares’ ass. I hate Ares.

      • JohnnyHorror92182 says:

        I’m with you, dirtydozen. I want Man-Thing to kick some Dark Avengers Ass!

      • Ironmuskrat says:

        That would be funny, after all the heroes that let the Dark Avenger’s run loose for all these months without doing much to stop them, have the Man-Thing come and save the day, taking them down single handed.

        IM

  13. Locusmortis says:

    I’d love to see the Fin Fang Four team up with the Pet Avengers to kill off the Dark Avengers and rip out Bendis spine (metaphorically speaking of course)

  14. comicbookdude89 says:

    I’m gonna predict that Ms.Marvel is gonna bang Sentry next… that is totally wrong on so many levels…

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