The (Worst Game of Chess Ever) New Avengers #60 Review

Posted: December 30, 2009 in CCW Rant Review, CCW Review, Marvel
Tags: , , ,

Title: New Avengers #60
Writer: Brian Bendis
Art: Stuart Immonen and Wade von Grawbadger
Publisher: Marvel
Price: $3.99

The Gist: Luke Cage had a heart attack. Norman Osborn and Doctor Harrow make him better but not before they attach a homing beacon/bomb onto Luke’s heart. The New Avengers come and save Luke (just like Norman predicted…of course) and take him to an undisclosed location. While at this undisclosed location Dr. Strange with the help of Hank Pym take a Fantastic Voyage into Cage’s body to remove said homing beacon/bomb before Osborn can locate there whereabouts/blow them up.

The Good: Stuart Immonen’s art is amazing as always. I am sure he is making some nice cheddar by working on this book but his talents are completely wasted on this monthly. Nothing but talking heads with sporadic action is what a Bendis book consists of (and you‘re lucky if you ever get ANY action). Immonen should be working on comics like Fantastic Four, Agents of Atlas and Incredible Herc instead of continuously being tied to Bendis dreck.

The Bad: Well, it’s a Bendis book. Is that not enough?

Ok, fine. So, this issue is all about Strange and Pym trying to find the bomb inside of Cage while at the same time Norman and his Dark Avengers are following the homing beacon to where the New Avengers are hiding. That’s the whole story. The only way this story works is if the writer can build some tension throughout the book and I am quite sorry to say that Bendis fails at that (if he was even attempting to build tension, that is). To be fair, if I was a mindless Marvel fanboy who loved nothing more than licking the taint of the company (i.e. buying and enjoying Bendis books) and knew absolutely nothing about good writing, then I may in fact think this comic was wrought with tension…but luckily I am not. You know why, to me, there is absolutely no tension? Because I unfortunately have read too many Bendis comics in the last year and know that he loves having the chance to tease a confrontation between the New Avengers and Dark Avengers but never, ever delivers it to the Marvel Zombies so they can masturbate to it. Bendis’ writing on New Avengers is the comic book equivalent of blue balls.

The Ugly: I can’t get into exactly how Strange and Pym were successfully able to remove the bomb from Cage’s heart (I seriously can’t get into it. It was never explained in the book. It just sorta happened) but what I can tell you is that we do get to finally find out where this undisclosed location is as we watch it explode thanks to the bomb detonating (unfortunately, like I just mentioned, not while still inside Luke Cage T_T). It turns out that the New Avengers were hiding out is Norman Osborn’s summer home. Yes, you read that correctly, Norman Osborn’s fucking summer home.

Now, you may ask yourself: “ Wouldn’t Osborn have security measures in place to not allow intruders into a home of his?

You would think that, right? He’s the Green Goblin AND is now heading up HAMMER. Osborn probably has some dangerous, secret shit hidden in his place not to mention a pretty brutal porn stash I‘m sure. If there was any security in place it is never dealt with. And this isn’t just one lone intruder. By the end of the book there are at LEAST fourteen superheroes walking around in there. Kinda ridiculous but definitely a symptom of lazy ass writing.

And you may ask yourself: “So, why would the New Avengers hideout there?”

That is never explained. If I was a Bendis zealot fan I would probably defend him by saying that, in theory, that may be the last place Osborn would look for the New Avengers. And I would almost buy that if any of the characters in the book mentioned that is why they were there but none of them do. So that simplest of explanations is not why the New Avengers were there.

And you may tell yourself: “But there has to be a reason for this.”

For the Avengers to be is Norman’s home? Ya, there is a reason and here it is: It’s so Brian Bendis could have a punch line to a joke that is not even funny to begin with. That’s it. It was all so we could see Osborn’s crinkly angry face when he tells the Dark Avengers that it was his home that the Avengers were hiding in and then subsequently got blowed up by the bomb that he himself had put inside of Luke Cage.

And you may tell yourself: “So, that’s the reason? Fucking hell.”

Fucking hell indeed. In the story there was absolutely no need for the Avengers to be in there. None. Unless, and I think I may be onto something here, Bendis really thinks that all of these little meaningless moments are all a part of an overall “ brilliant chess game” between the New and Dark Avengers. Follow me here: Clint Barton goes to kill Osborn, Osborn counters by instead capturing Barton, Osborn finds out where the New Avengers Secret HQ is so he goes over there to destroy it, while Osborn is destroying it the New Avengers break Barton out of prison, Luke Cage has a heart attack so Osborn captures him and implants a bomb in him, the New Avengers attack a HAMMER compound half was across the country and when Osborn goes to check on that the rest of the New Avengers break Cage out, and etc, etc, etc. God damn, I almost just bored myself to fucking death explaining all of these “chess like” moves. In the end though it really doesn’t seem like this chess game scenario is being written by a genius comic writer but instead by someone who is a mediocre hack who truly believes that they are writing something genius.

The End

J.

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Comments
  1. That is one chess game I do not want to play. And no one is guarding Osborn’s summer home? Wow, that’s lazy writing 101 right there.

  2. generaldark says:

    lol i loved that blue balls part XD

  3. Ironmuskrat says:

    Awesome review Jose! but I am going to have trouble sleeping tonight, wondering what a guy like Norman Osborn has in his porn stash. Thanks for burning that image in my brain Jose!

    IM

  4. Venom829 says:

    Bendi once again delivers his horse shit talking heads boring $3.99 comics that fanboys will buy since as you said J, they don’t know a GOOD comic, or a GOOD WRITER.

  5. MANACONDA! says:

    i love marvel. i love stuart immonen. i love the avengers. yes i even like wolverine. but i would not pay for this. i read it. and i agree with you. it made no sense. nothing is explained. bendis kills my marvel boner.

    also: anyone have any suggestions for an indie trade/graphic novel/anthology?

    i picked up a couple of interesting ones today:

    four letter words (image, 2005)- featuring matt fraction, jeff parker, kieron dwyer, joe casey, jamie mcelvie and many more

    as well as

    noir: a collection of crime comics (dark horse 2009)- featuring gabriel ba, fabio moon, ed brubaker, sean phillips, brian azzarello, and a host of others.

    gonna make for some good reading as i venture out into the mountains this weekend! at least i hope..

    • Have you tried Popgun by Image? Very cool anthology of indie stuff. I believe there are 3 volumes out so far.

      Also, which mountains?

      J.

      • MANACONDA! says:

        i was looking to pick up some popgun but they were out at the shop, had a big sale on trades there today, guess i got there a little late 😦

        noon thursday im off to the canadian rockies, an area called the crowsnest pass, close to the alberta/british colombia border. looking forward to it!

  6. Mr.Wrestling says:

    wow…..that just sounds terrible and poorly written.

    I am so happy that I dropped this book recently and am no longer paying four dollars for boring crap. There are way too many good books that are getting canceled these days while this crap is still selling.

    • Morlock50 says:

      That’s the fucking shame of this whole thing. Captain Britian and Agents of Atlas should still be on the racks. Detective Comics and Wonder Woman should be selling New Avengers numbers. New Avengers would sell Wolverine:First Class numbers if there was any justice in the world.

  7. Locusmortis says:

    60 issues…thats 5 years of bendis writing this shit.

    5 fucking years

    think about that.

    FUCKS SAKE!

    • Venom829 says:

      I know!!! You think that Marvel would have changed writers after at least 20-30 issues, but it’s MARVEL were talking about. Another thing, Peter David had his 100 issue run on Incredible Hulk.

    • Deemar says:

      “Yes Locus it is I ‘FUCK’ your lord and savoir, I shall answer thou prayers.”

  8. Pobra says:

    *clap, clap, clap*

    Another fine review Mr. Melendez, god i wish Bendis read this blog. Guy needs a reality check.

  9. kurumais says:

    you know the fantastic voyage theme story is an avengers classic? first it was hank pym inside the vision i think it was during kree/skrull era if i remeber correctly neil adams drew it its gorgeous then it was scott lang inside iron man’s armor after he knocked out the hulk and froze up his armor trapping himself inside nearly suffocating both were lots of fun

    havent read this on so dont know how it holds up

  10. MicahSkin says:

    So Roger Ebert isn’t a good movie reviewer, He’s just a Rob Schneider hater?

    No, it’s the fact that the majority of Bendis’s comics have sucked beyond the telling of it recently.

  11. Venom829 says:

    What Jose was saying is that Bendis is raping our beloved characters for the sake of telling Luke Cage stories guest-starring the avengers, and that is WRONG!!! Besides, everybody has opinions, and Bendis has wrote all 60 issues of the titles so, critcism of all kinds is assumable now.

  12. Let me guess, you like yourself some Bendis comics including New Avengers. Am I right?

    If you don’t know by now that my reviews contain a very heavy dose of sarcasm then I suppose you never will. And I truly believe that this review only makes me look like a petty Bendis hater to you and your ilk. No one else really complains on here because they actually get it.

    J.

  13. Deemar says:

    Another laser point review J, the whole chess analogy is apt. It would be more apt if the comparison was chimps playing checkers.

    Well done

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