The (Filled With Piss, Vomit and Regret) Ultimate Ultimatum #5 Review

Title: Ultimatum #5
Writer: Jeph Loeb
Art: David Finch and Danny Miki
Publisher: Marvel
Price: $3.99

Damn. The regret filled party had to end sometime didn’t folks? You know, the party where you knew you should have just left after the first drink but decided to stick around for one more. Then as you’re on your way out the door after that second drink, because you are now getting fed up with this shit party, a well known and well ridden whore talks you into staying for just a few more. You think, “What’s the worst that can happen,” as you pour down that third, fourth and fifth drink.

As you wake up the next day in your own piss and vomit you are now thinking you can’t remember why in the hell you just didn’t stop after the first. But you were having a good time, right? You weren’t hurting anyone. You remember thinking the previous night “what‘s the worst that can happen?” And that’s when you find a note beside you in bed that reads:

Thanks for sticking around after you wanted to leave. You didn’t want to stay but you chose to anyway. It’s because of chumps like you that I can continue to be the cheap whore that I am. Why should I better myself as a person if there will always be people like you who will tolerate my fun and skanky ways? Thanks for just being you.

Hugs and kisses,

J. L.

p.s.

In case you haven’t noticed yet I took your last twenty dollars out of your wallet. And so you don’t think that I am just a “taker” I left you something. You may want to go to the doctor and get that checked out.

After the first four horrible, death filled issues it’s good to see that Loeb had some awful shit saved up for the last. We get to see Magneto force Cyclops and Iron Man to incinerate the flesh from Wolverine‘s body. Then there is this really X-treme scene right after that where Wolverine’s skeleton, still alive, runs his claws through Magneto. I can not describe how truly bodacious it was. Did I mention that it was totally X-treme? Because it, like, totally was dude.

Meanwhile Hulk and Colossus are smashing up Mag’s floating citadel’s engine room to bring it down. Out of nowhere Mystique shows up and fires this huge Rob Liefeldesque flame thrower at them which just pisses off the Hulk. Hulk then utters the words I had been waiting to read all damn issue, “Hulk EAT blue lady.”

Fuck ya! Now were talking. More people getting eaten. Alright, I’m ready for it this time Loeb, give it to me. Huh, what’s this? Sabertooth shows up from somewhere off panel, grabs Mystique and does his best Ator from Cave Dwellers impersonation by flying a HANG GLIDER off of the citadel. Not a plane, not a helicopter, not a space ship, a fucking HANG GLIDER!

Alright, this damn review has gone on for way too long. Let me just quickly summarize the rest of the issue for you (if that’s even possible): Jean Grey links Nick Fury’s mind with Magneto’s to show him that human’s created mutants driving home the point that Mag’s is just a man and not a god, Mag’s starts crying about all the awful things he did to his fellow man, Cyclops doesn’t give a shit so he blasts Mag’s head off (hooray, more pointless death!), while giving a speech eight days later Cyclops gets shot in the head and killed (yee-haw, even more death!)

I have saved the best for last though people. In the next scene we see Dr. Doom sitting on his throne talking to Namor who is his prisoner. Ben Grimm then shows up and tells Doom he’s got to pay for what he did. ‘What he did’ being setting Magneto off and blah blah blah blah. Ben Grimm grabs Doom by the head and crushes his skull either killing him or making him, now and forever, mentally handicapped.

Wow…just, fucking…wow.

J.